16th October 2016 - Ciao Baby

I put this on Facebook but forgot to put it here, so this is from 16th October 2016...

Ciao Baby!

Enough was enough when it came to grotty hair colour, so off I went to the hairdressers to get some bleach slapped on me head! I couldn't take being mousey any more! Six weeks after my last Herceptin treatment and I decided my hair could take a bit of rough treatment for the sake of my vanity. Miracle worker Geri wove in bleach and colours and gave my hair a decent cut. When she had finished I cried! I felt like a little bit of the old me (pre-cancer me) was returning! I didn't realise how much I had missed Old Me. Geri was a bit teary too and said that was why she did her job, for moments like that! Bless her!!

I also set about shifting a bit of weight and exercising to see if I can recover even more of Old Me. Doing well so far.

Then last week I entered the Oncologist’s office full of hope that they wouldn't want to see me for another year. My optimism took a bit of a blow as the grumpy Registrar (same one that I was grumpy with last visit, but I choose to pretend I didn't recognise him!), told me they would see me again in 3 months and do a cancer marker test too. Which is good, I know it's great to be so well looked after, but I've had enough now, I've got blonde hair again, time to leave all that behind!! One good point is that he will review my Hormone Therapy tablets to see how my side effects are. So back again in 3 months.

But I have decided that now is the time to call it a day on this group. My lovely friends, you have lifted me so high and kept me going with your fabulous support, which I need you all to know was so very important to me and helped me enormously. I have been NED - No Evidence of Disease since my surgery in May last year and have no intention of allowing my body to change that, at any point, oh no!!

I will be keeping my blog up to date:-

http://bondbaldandboobs.blogspot.co.uk

Feel free to have a look at that if you would like to. I've put advice and stuff that I found helpful, on there as well as all these posts, might be handy for anyone you know who is going through this old malarkey (way too many of us).

Ta rah then!
Xxxxx

Nearly there...

11 Sept 2016

I was hoping to do an update next week after my appointment with my Oncologist and was going to say all sorts of positive stuff but they have cancelled my appointment and moved it on three weeks. So my dose of positivity will have to wait!!

So back to being grumpy....

I've managed to get Epicondylitis (posh word for Tennis Elbow), obviously in my sleep I've been nipping out and playing a few sets with Andy Murray!! Much to my chagrin I need to wear a support thingy on my arm. I now look like one of those people who always wear a neck brace saying "look at me, I've got a poorly". Hate that. But it does make a heck of a difference painwise so I have to retract my criticism!

I've also arrived at the stage that takes people by surprise. The big treatments are over and your brain doesn't need to cope with that anymore so it turns inwards and asks "What the hell happened to me?". It's a bit scary and suddenly very real. Lots of "Oh my God" moments. Seconds after taking the photos in "My Last Treatment" post, I broke down in tears in the hospital corridor, luckily MIL was there to hug me. It took me completely by surprise. Friends who have been through this, have said this is the point where they have sought out help. So I'm launching into getting my strength and fitness back, you may have seen The Bond BC Challenge.

I think I will stay here in denial for a little while longer.

The Last Treatment

This week......

This week will be quite a big one
On Wednesday I will be all done
Treatment thrice weekly
Got me feeling meekly
Like I couldn't do it anymore
Coz my thighs had got so sore
From that painful slow injection
Designed to boost projection
From nasty lumpy bumpy bits
Getting inside my frumpy old tits
My bank account is now quite bereft
Hospital parking fees are just plain theft
One last trip to the Chemo ward
One last waiting room in which to be bored
One last three week wait
For symptoms to abate
For when it gets to week four
I should no longer be sore
Please understand Herceptin is a hero
Without its treatment my life could be zero
But my tolerance levels are pretty low
Of leading a life so damn slow
So hallelujah praise the Lord and amen
After this week my life should finally begin again!

Little Miss Grumpy

Last week I had an appointment with the Oncologist, a general kind of check up, I thought I would get them to look at my arm, which was more painful than normal and slightly swollen.  So I'm sitting in the usual waiting room, waiting as usual. I've never complained about waiting times, and I've waited a lot lately, because I understand everyone else has needs too, but I waited 1.5 hours today and I was starting to get a bit peeved.  Other patients were making grumbling noises and comparing appointment times, we realised we had 15 minute slots, is that long enough to discuss whats gone on over the last 6-8 weeks? Hmmm, my peeved status was increasing.

Finally they called my name. "Hello" said the Doctor,  "I'm the Consultant's Registrar, sorry she couldn't be here but..." I interrupted him "I've only seen her once and that was back at the beginning, I've seen someone different every time since then, so it doesn't really matter!".  Oh my Lord! Where did that come from? Be nice Alison, be nice.  We sat down and did the usual, how have you been etc, I mentioned my arm and said it was Herceptin side effects, the Registrar said that was unlikely, it was probably the Hormone Therapy. Uh oh!  Red flag to a bull, off I went "I disagree with you there" I told the Oncology Registrar with his years of training and experience. I went on to emphasise that my symptoms had reduced when I had my treatment delayed last month "which proves it's Herceptin" I said rather determindly.  Mr Registrar quite rightly defended his position by stating the majority of patients find their symptoms are caused by the Hormone Therapy not Herceptin. I interrupted him again "Well the manufacturers and the NHS website and other patients I've spoken with all say the same as me, whereas you Doctors all say its the Hormone Therapy".  Why was I arguing with him? What difference did it make? None! But rationality wasn't going to stop me. "I appreciate that until more research is done on the side effects, you will take that viewpoint". I stared him out, not for long because my motor mouth was off again "Besides if it the Hormone Therapy, that means I will have these symptoms for the next four and a half years and I'm not prepared to accept that!".  There! Take that! I'm done! Ha! You and all the others trying to tell me what's going on in my body!  Now, there is a possibility here that I was in a bit of a bad mood, a bit of the grumps had set in,  but did I care? Nope!  Mr Registrar took a deep breath and very calmly, as he probably wanted to either slap me or walk off, explained "In the medical profession we say, Never Say Never, there are Idiosyncratic symptoms which are particular to individuals".  Hmmm, not sure if he was agreeing with me or placating me. "If it is Herceptin, then you will be very lucky because your symptoms will stop when Herceptin finishes rather than lasting for four more years".  My mind was going "No no no, don't believe you", thankfully my mouth decided to stay closed.  I'd been very grumpy and had argued with this man for no real reason other than he was in front of me.  He changed subject to other test results and stuff, I just nodded appropriately. Time to leave. We stood up and shook hands. "Can you tell I'm feeling a bit fed up?" I asked him.  Not sure why, but he didn't respond just did a sort of half smile.  As I walked out of the room I'm sure I heard him bang his head against the wall while muttering..why me?  Poor man, I wasn't the kind of patient you want at 5.30pm on a Friday afternoon! 

As I headed towards the lift, guilt swept over me. Why had I given him so much grief? I had achieved nothing. Oh to hell with it, Grumpy 'R' Us today. Deal with it World, being nice is overated!

My Favourite Things

To celebrate all the things that I now have or can do, please sing aloud, to whoever is with you, the following lyrics to the tune of "My Favourite Things" from "The Sound of Music"

My Favourite Things (Breast Cancer Version)

Lashes on eyelids and mascara to coat them
Eyebrows with arches and pencils to fill them
Eyes blue and sparkly in all colourings
These are a few of my favourite things

Soft hair that covers my head now it's growing
Shampoo with lather so frothy and flowing
Essence of vanilla it beautifully brings
These are a few of my favourite things

Perfume with amber or jasmine or roses
Sandalwood ylang-ylang it's all for our noses
Shower gels scented with spiced floral springs
These are a few of my favourite things

Restaurants with family and takeaways delivered 
Shopping with daughter and giggles unmeasured
Driving around with my own set of wings
These are a few of my favourite things 

When I look back, when my brain zings
When I'm feeling mad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Written with gratitude to the amazing healing properties of the human body xx

Worrying

From 7/2/16

Whilst with the Oncologist last week, we talked about the stiffness and pains in my joints which is either caused by the Herceptin injections (10 left) or by the Arimidex (tablets for 5 years), she said it should start to calm down a bit soon, so I'm hopeful about that. She also said that the Yoga I'm trying hard to do each day (but failing) is very good as it helps to keep the joints mobilised. I must try harder. I'm kind of used to hobbling out of bed in the mornings until everything warms up a bit!! Next the Oncologist mentioned I needed to have a blood test done, this was to search for markers, which will show if there has been any recurrence of cancer. I had a strange reaction to this. I felt back in Cancer Land again rather than being in Almost Normal Land, where I have been residing since Radiotherapy finished. I prefer not to know what they are testing for, but at the same time I really really want to know that the result is nice and clear. But we can't have it both ways can we?!! I guess there will be plenty of these tests to come and that's a really good thing, but I will need to deal with the worry factor, the "what if". A friend has just been through the awful wait for results after a biopsy, it has to be the longest wait in the world. Your brain goes all kinds of places. Why do we do that? Why do we worry so? Back when I was waiting for the results of my diagnosis I was actually relieved when they told me what I had, yes relieved! Because I knew we could crack on and fix me. The wait for results has you in a limbo land of nothingness. I'm not sure that I want to spend my time worrying about results so I'm going to decide not to, what will be will be, I'm going to crack on with cracking on!